


I Want You Right Here. Until the Day We Die.

by RhiaDalish



Category: Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition, Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Adamant Fortress, Anders - Freeform, DA spoilers, Dragon Age - Freeform, Dragon Age Inquisition, Here Lies the Abyss, Inquisition, Post-Here Lies the Abyss, Spoilers, before the fade, dai spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-09-24
Packaged: 2018-04-16 22:19:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4642182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RhiaDalish/pseuds/RhiaDalish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Inquisition prepares for the battle at Adamant Fortress. After a night of wine, catching up, and bygones, Hawke asks Varric a very important favor.</p>
<p>The first chapter of a longer work telling the events after Adamant Fortress and the fate of Hawke, who stayed behind. </p>
<p>**Spoilers for Dragon Age II and Dragon Age Inquisition**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bygones and Favors

 

"One more for the road, Commander?" Varric tipped the bottle in Cullen's direction, the dark red liquid sloshing. 

"No, thank you, Varric. I've already had way more than I should and need to start sleeping it off," Cullen was trying hard to keep the slur out of his voice, but his efforts only made it more obvious that he was much drunker than anyone had seen in months. Hawke and Varric giggled , causing a sheepish smile to cross the Commander's mouth as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

Varric, Cullen, and Hawke had decided to have a little Kirkwall reunion the night before they approached  Adamant Fortress. It was awkward at first and Varric could tell Hawke was trying to keep on her best behavior for his sake. But Hawke plus liquor does not exactly mix into a calm and quiet evening.

They shouted a bit at first, Hawke accusing the Commander of endorsing a massacre while Cullen pointing out that she was an actual accessory to one. Varric called Bull  over just in case he needed someone to  pry  the former templar and the former champion from each other's throats. They ran out of steam the drunker they got and were soon forgiving each other with teary eyes and arms around each other's shoulders. Bull said the whole scene was better than the fight he was promised.

"Goodnight Commander," Hawke swayed a little, giving Cullen a salute.  He smiled and wished them a pleasant evening and he unsteadily headed to his tent.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that to happen tonight. I guess you've grown up after all!" Varric slapped Hawke on the back.

"Bullshit," Hawke poked the dwarf in his hairy chest. "I'm still thinking about putting a dead fish in his office when we get back to Skyhold ."

Varric laughed. "Remind me to introduce you to Sera tomorrow."

The old friends laughed as they finished the bottle. It had been chaotic since Hawke arrived at Skyhold to offer her help to the Inquisition. Between closing rifts, establishing alliances, and  ridding  the nearby lands of demons, there was little time to catch up.

"I think I hear my bed roll calling me, Hawke. You should get some sleep too –  might I suggest sleeping outside so when you inevitably  spew tonight's festivities you don't ruin your tent?"

"Oh, Varric," Hawke gave him a wet smooch on his scruffy cheek, "you know me so well."

"Come on, I'll help you stumble to a good spot to sleep and spew," Varric  wrapped a stocky arm under her's and helped her to stand. Maker, Hawke was a tall woman. He knew she was actually more exhausted than drunk, but it gave him a nostalgic , warm feeling to tease her about her being a bit of a lightweight.

They awkwardly shambled over to a bedroll by one of the smoldering fires and he helped Hawke lay on her side pointing away from the coals. Just in case.

"Night, Hawke," Varric patted her on the head and stood up.

"Wait!" Hawke propped herself up and grabbed at Varric's red, silken shirt. He stopped, his boots kicking up dust as he turned to her.  She reached into her satchel, fumbling fingers searching. Potions and other trinkets clinked together until finally she brought out a sealed envelope. It bore her family crest pressed in red wax on its front.

"What's that?" The dwarf asked wearily.

"Varric, I need you to keep this with you. If something happens... to me..."

"Hawke, nothing is going to happen. We've saved Kirkwall from way worse! Didn't you single-handedly kill the Arishok?"

"Damn right!  But..." She sat up fully  now and crossed her legs. Varric sat down across from her, ready to listen. 

Hawke stared down at the letter in her hands, turning it over and running her finger over the wax seal. Several minutes passed and Varric was starting to sense that he needed to prompt her.

"Hawke?"

"Varric, I never told you," she looked up, her golden brown, almond-shaped eyes wet, "Anders and I have a daughter."

"What?!" Varric was on his feet, a torrent of emotions filling him to burst. He wanted to yell at her for attaching herself even more completely to the monster that had leveled Kirkwall and killed hundreds of its citizens. How could she have a child with him? How could she think the child would be safe with Anders? How could she trust him after he lied to her – after he lied to everyone? "Hawke --" Varric held out his hands in a  gesture as if he wanted to shake or  throttle her, then balled his hands tightly as he willed them back to his side. Hawke did not look surprised at his reaction.

"I know how you feel about him. At least now I know it was a good idea to keep that from you until it was necessary, " Hawke said, a little more flippantly than Varric liked.

"This isn't a joke, Hawke. I can't believe that you let that abomination live let alone decided to settle into domesticity with him! Are you insane? Actually insane? " 

"Varric I was already pregnant when we confronted Meredith. My guess is that I was about two  or  three weeks along."

The dwarf deflated at that statement. He sat back down and placed an apologetic hand on Hawke's arm. A lot of things made sense to him suddenly. A lot of things he and his writer's brain had been trying to puzzle out for years. Why Hawke fought so hard that day. Why she let Anders live. Why she hadn't been in touch.

Hawke sniffled and wiped at her eyes. Varric squeezed her arm. He felt like an asshole.

"What's her name?"

"Lea," Hawke's voice was shaky.

"After your mother?"

She nodded, a twinge of the old sadness she suffered years ago after her mother died creasing her brow. " She  looks just like me."

Varric grinned. "Is she an obnoxious, loud, stubborn... little lady as well?"

Hawke  laughed fondly, her eyes far away thinking about her daughter. She met Varric's gaze a moment later with a wry smile. "Worse."

"Is she... safe with Anders?"

"Absolutely," Hawke answered without hesitation. "He's a lot like he was when we all first met, Varric. I Re ally think having Lea helped him regain more control over... things."

"Things meaning Justice."

"Good old Uncle Justice," Hawke said with a toothy, mocking grin.

They chuckled  together at the  ridiculousness of it all. Silence hung like a hummingbird between them once the mirth was spent.  With anyone else, it would be uncomfortable, but not with Hawke. Varric could sit with her in total silence and not feel the need to explain himself. If only Hawke could not talk for --

"So now that you know, I need you to hold onto this."

"What is it? Can you at least tell me that much?"

Hawke wiped at her nose and cleared her throat.  "Fine, you nosy bastard. It's a map of the route we were taking... and a letter. To Anders and Lea."

"You want me to get the letter to them if something happens to you? Why the doom and gloom , Hawke? You've never thought about the aftermath before. You were always  too busy casting a fireball way before the rest of us were ready then yelling for help when ten bandits came running after you !"

"I know, Varric," She smiled at the very accurate description of her behavior,  " but this time it's different. Do it for me.. and Lea. Please. "

He held her gaze for a long time. She really had grown up. If Varric looked closely he could see a little more wear and tear on his dear friend, but he didn't know if he wanted to see that . H e couldn't stand to see her be so serious. "All right, Hawke. If you go out in a blaze of glory at Adamant I'll  deliver  your damn letter."

She flung herself forward, still a bit drunk and hugged  the dwarf tightly.  "Oh Varric, how else would I go out?"


	2. Secrets of the Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning of the siege on Adamant Fortress. Hawke and Alistair discuss the growing resentment between them.

Alistair shot upright in his tent, the eerie noise filling his head like a rush of flooding water. He instinctively pressed his hands over his ears to no effect. The calling was getting louder.

The flap of his tent flung back and a very alarmed looking Hawke barged in. She was speaking and shaking him, but he couldn’t hear her. He could only hear…

“—hear me? Alistair!”

“H-Hawke?” He was breathing so hard, that his lungs burned. His heart was beating so fast that he clutched a hand to his chest in the event of it leaping from his ribcage.

“The one and only,” She was kneeling beside the warden, a soothing hand on his back. “Are you all right? It’s the calling, isn’t it.”

Alistair took in a few slow, deep breathes and felt his body start to regain its equilibrium. Hawke was looking at him with a deeply pained expression, one that extended beyond him. Alistair knew about Anders, and what he had done – everyone knew, but he would sometimes forget that Anders was a Grey Warden. He felt a pang of guilt again as the needle of resentment in Hawke’s gaze pierced him.

He should have told her.

Alistair should have told her that her already volatile beloved and father of her daughter was going to become more dangerous. But he had to keep that one to himself, to prove he was a man of duty and loyalty to the Grey Wardens. He wasn’t sure why.

“Hawke, I’m –“

“You’re jealous of my combat ability and singing voice, I know. Now get up.” She stood and held out her hand. The bitterness was still in her eyes, and she looked away so that he wouldn’t see it. He clasped her hand and stood, the cool air that Hawke had brought in with her prickling his bare chest.

“Was there a change of plans?” The warden glanced outside the partially opened tent flap and saw that it was still dark. Commander Cullen had said they would start their march at sunrise.

“You could say that,” Hawke crossed her arms. “Scouts reported back and it looks like Adamant is expecting us.”

“Someone betrayed us?” Alistair pulled his shirt over his head. The soft, blue material felt good against his chilled skin.

“Possibly,” Hawke handed Alistair his silver and blue chain tunic. “Though we are a little hard to miss.”

“What, us?” the Warden deftly slipped the armor over his head, “A few thousand troops and just a couple giant trebuchets? We’re practically undercover.”

“That’s not the half of it,” Hawke tossed over his leather gloves, which he caught and started to buckle on. “Demons.”

“Demons?”

“Demons.”

“Well, I guess it could be worse,” he tried to come up with something worse, something to further extend the thin veil of sarcasm and cynicism that covered the growing atmosphere of tension and resentment thickening between them. All he could do was keep his eyes down to avoid her gaze.

The silence between them was suffocating.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

There it was, finally. He actually felt relief.

“It was not to be shared outside the order,” Alistair was surprised at the humorless tone of his own voice.

“What, so the safety of my loved ones,” Hawke stepped closer, her face turning red, “my _child_ is not as important as some of you feeling a bit like you want to die horribly?”

“You don’t understand!”

“How could I if you don’t say anything!?”

“What was I supposed to say, Hawke? Oh my, the darkspawn taint residing in my blood is slowly driving me mad and I ‘feel a bit like dying horribly.’ La dee da!”

“You think I don’t know what it feels like to want to die?” Angry tears were leaking from her tired-looking eyes. Alistair wasn‘t sure if she was going to break down or hit him.

The warden grasped her shoulders, both to comfort and hinder attacks. “Even if I had told you the moment I arrived, it wouldn’t have made a difference. The calling was already happening.”

“So, that means…” Hawke blinked furiously, trying to avoid a truth she had been denying.

“Yes, Anders has been hearing the calling for a while. Probably a month before you left for Skyhold.”

“You damned wardens and your damned secrets,” she squeezed her eyes shut.

Alistair was well aware of the events that took place in Kirkwall. He was also well aware that he was watching his friend realize that the man she loved had kept her deliberately in the dark to protect her – again. He wished he could offer some word or gesture of comfort, but none came to him.

“What should I do?” She had calmed herself considerably as he had been reflecting.

“You need to stop acting like I’m the one that brought this upon the world. Corypheus is the one you need to blame.”

Hawke took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes. “You’re right. I apologize.”

“Don’t worry about it, Hawke,” he patted her shoulders and began bucking on his belt and sword. “Now let’s get a move on before they leave without us.”

“Don’t tempt me, warden.” Hawke chuckled and held up the tent flap for her friend.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> For reference, here is my Hawke I am basing this story on:  
> http://strikemidnight.tumblr.com/post/126115084909/my-favorite-hawke


End file.
